I woke up to a blanket of white covering the ground. Unlike in childhood, this was not met with excited anticipation. Forced to skip my morning coffee, I layered up in my thermal gear and put on my boots, the blister on my heel reminding me to buy a pair that fits properly. I struggled to find gloves and settled on a mismatched pair as I braced for battle with the cold. I tried not to tweak my back while repeatedly yanking the starter cord on our stubborn snow blower. As I began to clear the thick snow off the driveway, the layer of ice hidden below was a reminder that I was not quick enough to clear the driveway last time. Obstacles and challenges now loomed ahead as I anticipate colder temperatures, icy windshields, hazardous driving, and ill-fitting boots and blisters.
When did snow become the enemy? When did it become a chore? When did it become something that added to the weight of my day?
I was nine years old when one of the biggest blizzards in Chicagoland history hit. My school day was replaced by a snow day. Multiplication tables and PE class were swapped for snowballs and snow angels, while mini-mountains of snow popped up all over the neighborhood.
I remember the frustration of trying to make a snowball out of fresh powder, the crystals sliding through my fingers like weightless sand. And finding success with heavier packing snow, hearing the scrunchy sound made while rolling it to form a giant snowman.
I remember hot chocolate in my stomach any money in my pocket after shoveling driveways in the neighborhood.
I remember a blizzard in Madison, Wisconsin. A snow day in college, of all places! Playing tackle football in powder up to my knees, my quads and hamstrings burning. Hot and sweaty, despite the cold air, and the sting of snow on my face after a tackle. The pleasure of finding that perfect balance, not falling backwards on my ass or forwards on my face, while skitching on the back of a car all the way down Langdon street.
I remember the joy in my son’s eyes the first time we went sledding, on a snowy day in Michigan City, Indiana. The cold air was no match for the warmth of Madison’s smile.
When I was younger, snow was white and light, scrunchy and fun. An invitation to play. An opportunity to explore. A far cry from its impact on me now. Snow is now an obstacle to be shoveled, a hazard for my teenage drivers, slush and salt to erode the underside of my car. It’s work now.
My thoughts turn from snow to my relationship with medicine. Another area in my life that has evolved from joy and excitement to frustration and challenge.
I remember the first time I put on my short, white coat and entered a real patient’s room to take my first history. I was hesitant to cross the threshold, nervous I’d be discovered as a fraud, an imposter. But excitement trumped anxiety as I stepped into the room, introducing myself as a student-doctor for the first time.
I remember the pride of wearing a stethoscope around my neck. The thrill of learning and doing each new procedure, pushing through my fear of causing harm. My growing sense of accomplishment as I read up on an unfamiliar disease or diagnosis adding to my knowledge base. Each patient a potential puzzle of signs and symptoms to piece together, not knowing what the ultimate picture would be. It was unknown and exciting. A snow day.
Somewhere along my path, medicine, like snow, got flipped on its head. More electronic medical records and charting than direct patient care. More patients to been seen but not more hours available in a given day. Journals and review articles pile up, still left unread. And instead of hot chocolate waiting for me at the end of a long day, there are only unfinished documentation and lingering worries over difficult decisions made.
More work than play. More obstacles than challenges. More conflict and tension than excitement and possibility.
The other day, a medical student I’d hardly noticed on my ICU service asked to see a new admission. I looked up, and saw the enthusiasm in her eyes. And, for a brief moment, I saw what she saw. A giant snow covered sledding hill ready to be climbed up and slid down. And I longed to be there on that hill, launching myself off the edge and feeling the cold air stinging my face, not knowing when I might finally come to rest. Ready and eager to race back up to the top and do it again and again, until I no longer felt my fingers and toes.
And it feels like a snow day again in my ICU.