Quiet voices from the heart

 “Why don’t people’s hearts tell them to continue to follow their dreams?” the boy asked the alchemist.
  “Because that’s what makes the heart suffer most, and hearts don’t like to suffer.”

                                                                                                           -Paul Coelho, The Alchemist

If you clicked on this to read a medical vignette, my apologies. This piece is going to be a bit more existential. Or metaphysical. Or something less concrete. But I’d love to have you come along for this ride. For months I have written and talked about changes that were coming. I have shared the angst and discomfort I felt as I approached July and the change in my work status to part-time. And I have commented on the parallels to other moments of change in my life.  Change Redux,  How did I get hereCh Ch Ch Changes.

And now it is here.

It’s interesting how the best laid plans can change in an instant.  For more than a year, I have planned to hit the ground running by lining up some part time and consulting opportunities. Writing daily as the sun rises, working on projects and pieces.  All aimed at opening new doors in the near future.

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10 Tips For New Interns For Surviving and Thriving in the Intensive Care Unit

July is just around the corner. For hospitals it’s a dynamic time. A changing of the guard. Graduating residents moving on and new interns, fresh out of medical school with their clean and crisp long white coats, moving in. Out with the old, in with the new. The ICU rotation for medicine residents and medical students is stressful under the best of circumstances but always an additional challenge early in July. I remember as a resident, trying to glean from my peers who had already completed their ICU rotation, picking their brains for tips and tricks on how to survive and succeed. But often what we are looking for is not what we need the most. Acid base disorders and ventilator management seemed so daunting. But in hindsight, learning how to manage and treat specific diseases and conditions was not the hard part. Learning how to survive, mentally and physically, the rigors of the ICU and growing as a physician were much bigger challenges. Read more

How did I get here?

And you may find yourself
Behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house
With a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, well
How did I get here?                         -Talking Heads

 

A middle aged father, critical care physician, triathlete, water polo goalie and Bob Mould stalker wakes up one day and asks, “How did I get here?”

The answer to that is probably longer than what is appropriate for this blog, the human attention span being what it is. But that question along with its logical follow up, “where am I going?” has been on my mind quite a bit.

How did I get here? Where am I going? My past. My future. With change coming just around the corner, it’s hard not to have my headspace taken up by these questions. But with some more introspection, I find that this is my brain’s default; to be looking forwards or backwards. I can be in the middle of a long run or bike ride, but instead of seeing the countryside around me, my eyes focus on last week’s battles with the kids, wishing for a “do over”.  Or I fail to see the sunrise in front of me, on my morning drive to work, as I have already mentally dived into the ICU to deal with the overnight admissions.

My past. My future.

But what about my present?

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Ch Ch Ch Changes..

“Ch-ch-changes
Don’t want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strange
Ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time”

-David Bowie

Months have passed since I last wrote.  Thoughts, musings, topics have flittered frequently through my head. But in the general chaos and anarchy that I call my life, (we are often living hour to hour in the Topin household)  as soon as these thoughts gain some traction, something comes up and steals my head space, my bandwidth. And I get wrapped up in the whirlwind of my world.

But something of late feels a bit different.  The ebbs and flows and highs and lows that seems to be the backdrop of my life..seem to no longer feel right…The familiarity of the cyclical nature of things feels…no longer safe..or comfortable…but constricting, and obstructing.

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