For me, holidays such as Thanksgiving, evoke memories more than emotions. Reflection on traditions more than generating a visceral response. The ritual of a 4am wake up alarm followed by a moonlit drive on barren roads to an empty hospital parking lot has been repeated multiple times over the last few years. Racing through the workday, fueled by bitter black hospital coffee, in order to get home in time for dinner with extended family. Binging on turkey and stuffing before passing out on the couch. These are my core Thanksgiving memories. The demands of the hospital and a plateful of side dishes have overshadowed emotion and family connection.
2017 turned many things on their head. My family’s trajectory, as a whole and as individuals, abruptly changed. Among many things I have taken for granted over the years was my family’s ability to be under a single roof for Thanksgiving and other big holidays. Last year challenged that presumption. Through somewhat Herculean efforts, Becky, Maya and I were able to travel to Oregon so we could share the day with Madison. And it was there that emotions became front and center while the traditional meal faded into background noise. The four of us dealt with emotions of a family separated but temporarily reunited, appreciating a little more the connection we share with each other.
Pages on the calendar have turned and this year’s turkey day appeared on the horizon. We assumed another reunion, this time home in Illinois. But neither Madison’s nor my schedule allowed us to travel. And with that came a growing realization that for the first time, our family was not going to celebrate together.
Families, both as a collective group and as individuals, handle stress in different ways. A few weeks ago, each of us as individuals struggled with our own unique uncertain futures. We are all at the moment working on creating and finding new paths. Each of us hope soon to be able to stride confidently down the road of our own making and choosing. But as a connected family, our struggles affect each other. Our individual orbits are not without their gravitational pulls. They may be invisible, but they are impactful on each other nonetheless. But we continue forward coping in the best way possible.
We settled upon a least worst option. Becky would fly to Oregon and share the day with Madison. Maya, with a friend visiting from out of town, would stay home. I would navigate a turkey day squeezed between two busy shifts at the hospital. Not a solution, but a response to a problem that stretched, twisted and turned all our emotions, straining our invisible bands of connection.
Separate and in silence we absorbed this. There was no specific conversation or group discussion on our family text chain. But internally I felt isolated. Disconnected. The emotional equilibrium I struggle to maintain felt off. Our orbits disparate. Our family separated by more than the geography of 2000 miles. With no other options and out of necessity, I put one in front of the other. Outwardly moving forward. Inside, my heart ached.
Change can be triggered by events big and small. Transformation can come from within or due to outside forces. And sometimes the most trivial of events can reveal what is already present.
My daughter’s friend from out of town was no longer able to travel and visit.
Almost immediately, simultaneous texts occur. One sibling offering to pay the airfare for the other. One sibling laments that they are now not able to visit.
And the emotional disequilibrium shifts.
From separate to shared. From fractured to connected.
Again, despite the gravitational pulls that affect each individual member of my family, there is more that binds us together than pulls us apart. The power of family continues to trump individual struggles and crisis. Strain and stress may hurt our family, but like fractured bone, we remodel and mold our connection into something even stronger than before.
Our family of four will not physically be in the same place this Thanksgiving. But for the moment, we are together in this shared space of emotional connection.
So, turkey will be eaten. Gluten free stuffing will be enjoyed. Crumbs will be the only evidence left of pumpkin pie. But the meal, no longer center stage, will be relegated to its appropriate minor supporting role as my family moves forward on our collective and individual journeys. And despite being the one left here in the Midwest, when I look back and remember this thanksgiving, it won’t be about us being apart. But it will be of the invisible emotional threads, that despite the tension and distance of 2000 miles, continue to bind and hold this family together. And for that, my heart aches, but now full of thanks.
Happy Thanksgiving to my family, friends and to those whose journey at least briefly brought you here to Balance.
Jeremy